Re·la·tion·ship.
Re·la·tion·ship.
/rəˈlāSH(ə)nˌSHip/
noun
The way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.
The way in which two or more people or groups regard and behave toward each other.
In what ways are you and the ‘other’ (your child, romantic partner, family member or friend) connected? This question is about the quality of the attachment relationship. Is it secure? Or is it a loose, uncertain, anxiety-ridden or fractional relationship?
“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. “Pooh!” he whispered.
”Yes, Piglet?”
”Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw. “I just wanted to be sure of you.”
— A. A. Milne
Just to be sure of you. How long does it take to be sure? How does one become sure? What happens when something insults my sure-ness and I don’t feel, so sure? The answer is in how we tend to each other, or in other words; cultivate our relationship.
Some fields are cultivated, some lie fallow.
In any kind of relationship, security is about cultivation. Cultivation is the act of “promoting or improving the growth of (a plant, a crop) by labor and attention.” In a relationship, this is not about labor and attention; it is about emotional availability and connection.
The research is clear, the common sense is clear-ish, the path to relational security is still actually quite clear but we still get these waters all murky and muddy. We know from the science that security in relationships is cultivated, it doesn't just, you know... happen. Let’s be honest, we didn’t all know that at first. I’ve heard many of my clients say, (once they have really started to deeply reflect on this); “why didn’t anyone teach me about attachment security??!!” Almost with a fury that they have been robbed of such vital information...and I completely agree, this is one of the 3 most valuable things I have ever learned (I will share the others in other posts, of course!).
The thing that stands out like a tall poppy in the decades of attachment and relationship research from developmental psychology, social psychology, neuroscience, behavioral psychology and biological psychology is summed up in this quote from Dr. Sue Johnson;
How do we do the work to be emotionally responsive and emotionally available to our children, partners, family members and friends? It starts with being aware of ourselves first. It isn’t selfish, if our goal is to love more wholeheartedly and be in deeper relationships. In fact, it makes us more aware, more present and more available to others. When we know our own reactions, our tendencies, our patterns from childhood and, can see ourselves from the outside in, we start to know ourselves, the stories we tell ourselves, and the ways in which we avoid, resist, and attract behaviors in others.
For more on this topic, in a brilliant article, Carol Bruess shares some ways in which we can cultivate security in our relationships, find it here.
