My mind is not your mind.
And that’s a good thing! The idea that “my mind is not your mind” is fundamental to good relationships. This concept can be described as accurate mind reading, but this is not about being a tele-path. It is about respecting and having curiosity of other people’s mental states, intentions, emotions and internal worlds. Although this post will primarily be about parenting, this concept is well worth developing in every kind of relationship, yes even with your doggo (we don’t like to exclude dog lovers, it’s just a thing in Portland, trust me).
A respectful, inquisitive stance is the beginning of mind-mindedness.
Your friend (or partner, spouse, co-worker) exhales and sighs, looks down and pauses for a moment while they are over the sink, washing the dishes. One could make assumptions about this, one could even think they know what this is about based on their own dish washing experiences (otherwise known as projection) or one could try to be more mind-minded. A mind-minded response might be, “seems like something is on your mind?”. This is a kind, not-knowing, respectful and inviting of a warm and safe discussion. It could just be about the dishes, or they may be deeply suffering and in need of some support.
Being too knowing sometimes shuts down good conversation and can rupture the relationship.
Oh how I have been too knowing, and learning this capacity has been such a helpful one to improving all of my relationships. When I get this wrong (which is usually when I am tired, hungry or stressed) I can damage the interaction and come across as '“teachy” or even kind of narcissistic. On a good day, I find myself feeling a deep respect and fascination for the minds of others and genuinely respectful and loving of their unique make up, even with my 5 month old child. In these moments, I am in awe of his individual differences and uniqueness of thought, action and intention “Oh you’re reaching for something, wow the determination in your face!
In parenting, mind-mindedness can be to attribute meaning to children’s behavior without being “too knowing”.
This starts with taking an inquisitive, respectful stance to your child’s play, speech, behaviors and mind in general. Babies minds and therefore their development, thrive when their parents assume they have minds of their own! Yes, parents who take the time to watch, wait and wonder about what their children are thinking and feeling are children who develop relational security and a sense of self mastery and confidence. In particular, children seem to benefit when they have "mind-minded" parents who communicate accurately about mental and emotional states. Such parents make what Meins and Fernyhough call "appropriate, mind-minded comments," and appropriate or accurate comments, are the key.
I see you're bored with that truck - a parent might say. Does this count as appropriate, mind-minded talk? That depends on whether or not the baby really is bored. If he's showing signs of interest, gazing at the toy, reaching for it, the comment is not appropriate. To practice mind-minded parenting, caregivers need to do more than talk about thoughts and feelings. They need to make comments that are attuned to what's really going on.
It's a crucial distinction, because appropriate, mind-minded talk in early childhood predicts a number of fundamental developmental concepts. So, how could we get this so wrong at times? The answer is often in our parental representations.
Parental Representations; It is crucial to understand the parent's subjective experience of their child.
Who is the child to the parent? What is the meaning of the child’s life, behavior or emotions to the parent?
The concept of mental representation of relationships is a way of understanding the interplay between a parent's own early experiences, their parenting behaviors, and the nature of the relationship between the parent and child. It is crucial to understand the parent's subjective experience of their child. These representations include the meanings of things like; the meaning of their relationship to the parent, the parenting and caregiving they received as a child, their own past hurts, traumas and unmet needs, their current trauma, and their own expectations for themselves as a parent and for their child. Oh this is a big topic and worthy of exploring deeper, but since this is a blog and this is a lot of psycho-babble let’s just say that working in a parent-child therapy is a great way to develop more of your mind-minded capacity.
